I haven't really touched this blog in awhile... And last time I did, it was just to post a video. I actually continued the project for May, so you can find it here if you want to watch. :)
For the past few days, I've been trying to fix this website for the company I'm interning for -- they lost their WordPress login and were unable to update any content. After resetting it via cPanel and trying to log in, one of their scripts was redundant or something (idk) but I kept getting this memory_limit_error. Technicalities aside, I played around with it, simplified some code, disabled various plugins, etc. but nothing worked -- I would get different errors, but never did it go through to the dashboard. Finally, I tried to upload a raw version of one of the files, which ended up breaking the entire site. I really had a heart attack.. my heart was pumping so fast as I searched for fixes and support forums. Anyways, after updating the entire server and the WordPress files, not only did I fix what I broke of the site, but I also fixed the original problem and got access to the dashboard.
That moment of relief was one that I have never felt before.
And, (I think), it was the first time in my life that I had ever thought of God as who to thank for this miracle.
Why is it that in this mundane internship, editing PHP scripts, updating servers, and all these nerdy technical terms that I find God? It was so strange to me that in that moment of realization that I had redeemed myself... that it wasn't even me. I had been telling myself for so long that God is the reason for all I did in my life, yet I never truly trusted myself.
Later on, I had the longest WP session ever (catching up on four days' worth of Beth Moore, studying more in depth for VBS, the seven chapters of Psalms, plus my continuation of Nehemiah) so I came across a bunch of encouraging verses. I guess I've been kind of distant from God, but not in the sense that I was falling away from Him. Just putting a lot of stuff before him (like work, family, etc.) Even though Beth Moore is so long every day, I constantly find myself avoiding it not due to length, but due to my refusal to see what is deficient in my relationship with Christ. Yet it's not my relationship with God that's suffering when I don't feel like doing Beth Moore or following my original WP schedule -- it's His relationship with me. I don't foster this relationship. He does. And that's why I feel like every single one of the bible studies have been so weirdly relevant/unsettling/blessing to me. Idk.
for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.